Tough Stuff

It's been almost 1 year since Mark was layed-off. One year since Audri was born. One year since we started packing boxes to show the house which left us on constant realtor/house showing alert. We've moved 5 times in 7 months!!  It's been a year of uncertainty, unknown, unpredictability, stress, and so many other things nearly impossible to describe, and yet, I've tried to explain when asked. After explaining, I feel I've only burdened the asker, which makes me feel more gloomy. This year of learning has left so many gaps in our lives.  I am so tired of: 

• Not being able to find things lost in boxes.
• Being judged
• having Mara ask "I want to go home" and not knowing where to drive. 
• Falling short of all the "should be doings" 
• Losing deciding power
• ......!
• Boxes
• Scratched, painted, mouse inhabited, and ruined furniture from movers and construction projects.
• Living in constant construction
• not feeling safe/being vulnerable
• such drastic changes that are so hard to explain to Mara
• not having the answers
• ......

However hard or out of control life seems on any given day, MOST of the time, I would love to say we are handling it well. YES it is depressing, YES some days feel like there is a permanent black cloud raining over us, yet some how I know it's going to be okay. My, and our, frustration comes certainly in the unknowing. 

  We have been blessed with so much fun family time, despite the constant shadows lurking. It really is quite impossible to explain all the emotions and dynamics of the situation, and yet I keep trying and fail each time. To those of you who have asked kindly of our situation, this apology is for you! I am sorry to not have a simple answer,  to go on and on about it all, and by so doing in anyway placing the burden with you.